Current mood:	tired
Current music:	[none]
Entry tags:	psychology, understanding fennel

fennel-psychology part 374: loneliness

diana ross & the supremes - "you can't hurry love"


one of my friends went back to america over the christmas holidays。 as is the custom in japan， he came back with gifts for all those he was so inconsiderate as to leave behind。 he got me a t-shirt which he says he saw and immediately knew was "fennel"。 he was utterly correct in his assessment。 the t-shirt has a picture of a skeleton sitting in a rocking chair with the words "waiting for the perfect woman"。 fits me to a tee(-shirt)。

。。 actually i'm not waiting for 'perfect'， but for 'right'。。 however， it might as well be the same thing。 probably the biggest single reason for why i spend so much time watching films and listening to music is the wish to live vicariously things that i have not the slightest possibility of feeling empathy toward， but wish i could。 in particular love。 as far as i can tell， most people my age or older can say that as some point in their lives they have been "in love"。 i can't。 despite two proper girlfriends and kisses with three others， i'm pretty certain that i've never come close to love¹。

at a recent party， conversation 'descended' into graphic tellings of sexual experience。 now， to be perfectly blunt， i just don't get it。 as far as i'm concerned， sex is hormones。。 and while i unfortunately seem to have a fairly normal quota of the hormones， i can't find my way to seeing sex as anything interesting， deep or appealing。 as i said， i'm not hormonally challenged。 on a couple of occasions i almost let them get their way and am very glad i didn't。 this attitude does， however， make me rather out of place in such conversations， even if i do find listening fascinating： i suspect that for other people sex is more than just irritating hormones calling you to take a fix and i find that more than a little weird。

i was asked two questions there that i didn't really want to answer， because doing so would probably have killed the mood of the party。 first， when it was realised that i'm a virgin at almost twenty-five， i was asked why。 as i've written above， there are mostly two answers²。 however， i just said that i was waiting for love。 true but highly incomplete： even if love found me， i can't imagine actually wanting to have sex， rather than just wanting to appease the internal drugs or the nagging "bit on the side like"³。

the second question related to fantasies。 i have no sexually fantasies as such， although as i said， i have the hormones and i think you all know that i have an inquiring mind。 i shall leave that at that。

so anyway， i thought and though as the others answered and the only thing i could think of was wanting a kiss。 fortunately they were drunk enough that that answer didn't kill their fun for more than a heartbeat。 the reason for the answer is a dream i have far too occasionally。 the only part of the dream i remember is the kiss and the feeling of utter calm and lack of fear that comes with that kiss⁴。

now as i said above， i have kissed five girls。 none of them gave that feeling， although there was an element of it more or less with all of them。 as far as i know， i have never know that feeling awake。 i've been lonely and afraid way back into childhood， for no particularly good reason that i can think of。 i also apparently have unusually strong willpower or mental control over myself。 these two， along with general (largely successful) attempts at stoicism， mean that 99.9999% of the time i don't think about it。

i think the above makes it seems much more serious that i consider it。 loneliness and fear are simple facts of life。 there is no point thinking about， or fussing about， them。 so i don't。。 except on occasions like this when i feel like psychoanalysing myself， or on those very rare occasions when something around me reminds me of that constant internal state。 even then， i tend to be thinking rather than fussing。

however， this not thinking about it doesn't mean it doesn't effect me。 in fact i think a lot of my personality and interests are shaped by that loneliness。 i think many of the things that i do and the things that interest me are perversely the things most likely to remind me。 cf my taste in music： my favourite genre is motown； cf my taste in films： my favourite genre is the romantic comedy。

as for the things i do， one obvious example would be my late nights at the computer screen not really being very productive (usually at least in part just going through the same material over and over again without properly taking it in)， knowing that i should go to bed， but too lethargic to actually do it。 maybe lethargic is the wrong word： i think there is a degree of expecting to miss some important event or chance which holds me in that spot。

i'm fully aware that such self-indulgent waiting around is never going to get me what i want， quite apart from keeping me unnecessarily tired。 unlike the song says， i won't get what i want until i *stop* waiting。

however， i am also pretty sure that the reality of what i want would be more than a little inconvenient： the main memory of my relationships to date is of what an incredible waste of time they were。 sitting around because you feel you should spend time with them， but having nothing to say or do together but sit there together。 and instead of being comforted by their silent presence， being stressed by the awkwardness and the wasted time ticking by。 the awkwardness was probably exacerbated by the not unreasonable paranoia that they probably want sex and their knowledge that i don't。

the above is not to say that i got nothing positive from those experiences， but if love is anything like that paint-dryingly slow， then i'd rather wait until my life is more up and running than it is currently。 hence my half-joking resolution to wait until i'm thirty before starting to seriously look for someone。

let me return to that feeling， the calm and lack of fear that my dream kiss gives me。 none of the kisses i've had so far have been close， but two hugs have been。 the first was with lucinda， and yes one day i will finish that story！

one time， as i was leaving her place to wander back home， she for some reason came to hug me and to my surprise it was actually pleasant。 very quickly it was over and i was on my way back home wondering what the hell just happened。 i never had a chance to ask her out， as i'd been considering， because not long after that she dumped me！ of course i didn't realise until about four years later that we had in 'fact' being going out all along and that i had been dumped。 anyway， that story is for another time。

it was probably that (hug) experience， and realising for the first time that such a feeling of safety was possible， that started me mildly obsessing about finding such a feeling in less fleeting a fashion。

the second hug was altogether more surprising and more effective。 i was at some housewarming in london， about to leave， and this very drunk/drugged up girl was hugging everyone in sight。 as is my wont， i tried to keep out of the way， but somehow was trapped， so with a "what the hell" i went with the flow。 then without warning i found myself feeling the safest， most unalone i've ever been。 once more it was over very quickly and i was on my way wondering what the hell had just happened。 i'm pretty sure i haven't seen that person since， and probably not before either as i wasn't hanging around the druggie end of that party。

given the above - ie that i've never come close to that dream feeling with a kiss but have twice with embraces - why is it that it is a kiss in those wonderful dreams？ obviously you can't have a proper kiss without an embrace， but in the dreams it is clearly the kiss that is the point。 on top of that， how the hell is it possible to dream a feeling that you have never experienced？ tis all very odd。

i seem to be trailing off and editing/extending this has taken over a week， so i shall post this as it is。

1. horrible as it may sound， there are times when i am so tired or bored that i just take one of the offers that seem to always be around， mostly because i just can't be bothered to fight their advances at those times。

2. this also plays its part， as does my shyness and never properly going out and putting myself on the market。

3. the word "partner" strikes me as prissy。 "girlfriend" can sound too casual。 wife， although it sounds fine， is associated with an immoral activity。 "bit on the side like" is the best reference i've been able to think of that has sufficient seriousness and also lacks prissiness。 it also has the advantage of tending to wind up the humourless。

4. for the curious， i don't think that it is ever someone i know or ever the same person twice。。 simply a 'someone'。 however， just as i don't remember details of people's appearances awake， i never seem to be able to pick out their features asleep。